


Malediction / They Die At The End

by Frostberry



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 09:59:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13855440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Two serial killers end up on a blind date together and both keep trying to find an opportunity to kill the other. At Akatsuki University in Amegakure, rain pours constantly, pipes groan with the weight of water and moss grows on the walls like fuzzy wallpaper. Hidan is an extremely religious follower of Jashin, whose loud prayers and violent reactions have made him a sort of meme at the University. Kakuzu is the finance officer, and both of them are forced on blind dates by their friends to make an effort for both of them to socialise. However, both of them are serial killers aiming to kill the other.





	Malediction / They Die At The End

As a nutjob, Hidan was generally avoided other students, who thought he was some sort of fascinating creep. As Hidan did not use social media sites (forbidden) he found out eventually he had become some sort of meme on the Akatsuki University Facebook page. His way of praying at seemingly random times of the day, anywhere - the library, the laboratory, usually seen kissing a rosary which people thought he was a devout AA with an upside-down pendant. People took risky snapshots of him arguing with a cafeteria lady, or whispered when he approached his next hematology class, old pipes groaned underneath his feet. His dreary, too-serious demeanor suited the Amegakure campus, which was constantly battered by rain and thunder.

Despite being a nutjob and local meme, Hidan had somehow managed to befriend Deidara, an art student whose arms were blown off several years ago in an explosions accident in Iwa. Deidara paid his way through school by allowing himself to be tested on by medical faculty and students, who replaced his missing limbs with bionic arms, which constantly needed to be repaired and updated. Hidan took great pleasure in snapping the plastic prosthetics when pissed at Deidara. 

After the fifth time that Hidan had broken his arms, Deidara decided to get revenge on Hidan by forcing him to do something he hated. The perfect opportunity for revenge arose when Akatsuki University set up speed dating at the university bar as a healthy alternative to Tinder, which was causing a rash of STD outbreaks amongst the student population. 

Together, he and their mutual friend Obito (a nursing student in the same medical department as Hidan) roped the Jashinist into ‘speed dating’, which, Deidara claimed, was not a sin, as Obito had flicked through a PDF version of  _ The Sacred Writ of Jashin  _ using Ctrl + F to search for ‘blind date’ and could not find shit about it. Sin or not, Hidan did not want to fucking go on a stupid fucking date with several of the university’s top morons. 

Deidara claimed he had great success with the university’s cesspool in speed dating, and made plenty of friends through there. “My toes may be filled with clay, but I’m clean,” he said. He was currently with one of the art students, Sasori, a bored looking man with red hair.

“If you fuck them you can still be friends later and not be awkward about it, yeah-” 

“Not listening,” Hidan interrupted, and Deidara didn’t even bother acknowledging Hidan’s request to stop talking. “You can’t make me go, even if you fucking blackmailed me.” 

“I’ll burn your fucking tablet and so you would have to use the uni computers to read your stupid verses.” said Deidara. Hidan shrugged. 

“Good luck, cunt.” 

Deidara’s right arm jerked weirdly as he picked up his soda can to have a swig, “I’ll tell everyone you sacrifice humans using a shitty transmutation circle.” 

There was a pause as Hidan squinted at him, confused. “What?”  _ How the fuck did he know- _

“Just kidding, yeah.” 

Obito on the other hand, had other things to say. 

“You will find a wife one day,” Obito said to Hidan. Hidan narrowed his eyes over his tablet. “My sweetheart…” 

“I’ve known you a fucking year and you only just tell me now you have a  _ wife _ ?” Hidan interrupted. “Since fucking when?” 

“Married at eighteen! She is a tutor here at the university at the School of Nursing.” 

“I’ve fucking never seen her, what kind of weird person marries their imaginary friend?” 

“Because you’re too busy praying to your own imaginary friend, yeah?” said Deidara, not paying much attention to the conversation they were having. 

Obito whipped out a photo right into Hidan’s face. “She’s very busy!”  Rin had clan tattoos; an outdated tradition which some people still completed by. It screamed  _ conservative _ .

Hidan raised his eyebrows. “She’s fuglier than Deidara. Think I’m gonna go and vomit.” 

“Thanks fuckwit.” 

“No problem.” 

***

At lunch, Obito dragged Hidan over to sit with him, Deidara and his cousin Itachi at the dingy school cafeteria. 

“Hidan has decided to do speed dating in an attempt to find a wife.” Obito announced, sitting down with the sandwiches Rin had made him that morning (no crust). He made room for Kisame, a big man tested on by the medical faculty because of his Argyira, a medical condition which made his skin blue.

“I didn’t fucking agree to anything. I don’t want a wife.” 

“Husband, then.” 

“Fuck you. I don’t want a husband.” 

“This proves,” said Kisame, who had only heard bits of the conversation, “That Hidan’s religion does not discriminate against homosexuals.” 

“This proves,” said Hidan, suddenly throwing his can of narutotonic at Kisame, “You’re a cunt.”

Brown fizzy liquid trickled down Kisame’s blue hair, who looked slightly annoyed, but calmed down again when Itachi handed him a tissue. “I’ve got a friend - well, not a friend, an acquaintance. Bad tempered. He reminds me of you, you know.” He wiped the remaining liquid from his hair, scrunched up the tissue and threw it in Hidan’s direction. 

“Yeah, don’t care.” 

Kisame continued. “He also thinks he is king of the world. He’s the school finance officer. I’ll get him to go speed-dating this Friday, just to see which one of you is the worst.” 

“I’m not going.” 

“If you don’t fucking go, I will personally destroy your tablet so you can’t reread your Jashin bullshit, yeah.” Deidara reminded him.

“Deidara, how many times have I told you you’re a cunt?” 

“Plenty, yeah?” 

The squabble went on, and the conversations moved from Hidan’s non-existent love life to recent news around Ame. Hidan fell silent as Kisame started talking about the serial killer who had been around for years. Men and women would disappear and turn up with bruises around their neck, or their heart taken out and found in the city pipes. The other day, the police found a woman who had been in Itachi’s class, which, Itachi recalled, wore blue clothing and nail polish all the time. The Ame Strangler was their name, and Hidan hated them with a passion. Because there was only one space for a serial killer around here. 

And that was Hidan.

***

As required by his religion, Hidan needed to sacrifice several people every year so Jashin could keep his promise for him to be immortal - or so the e-book on this tablet claimed.

He did not usually plan out his murders. Sometime after midnight, whenever he was a particularly stabby mood, he took his car to a random city or village and scoured the streets for prostitutes and homeless people. His favorite targets were the mentally ill who screamed about being God and came up to his car claiming he was an Angel, as they were easy to throw into the boot of his car. Over all, he was a piece of shit who went after those those who would not be missed. 

That night, Hidan was in the mood for some killing after hearing repeated jokes about his celibacy. (“You’re gonna be strangled before someone pops your cherry, yeah.”) 

The prostitute he stabbed several times was not recognisable when he threw her body into a river just before sunrise. He had seen her several times that night when he drove around the town, her large fur coat only covering down to her hips, where the fishnets bulged over her fat thighs and chunky legs. All he had to do was knock her over - easy for someone wearing stilettos - and drag her to a secluded spot to torture her as long as possible, until he realised he had a class in a few hours so kept the sacrifice quick and short. 

He was still angry, not at peace like he usually was after sacrificing to Jashin. The morning paper at Akatsuki University screamed the headlines  _ THE REAPER STRIKES AGAIN  _ which he faintly smirked at while he was in the cafeteria line getting a cup of tea. 

***

Friday evening creeped around, and Deidara and Obito were having a stand-off with Hidan, who was sitting cross legged in his dorm room with Jashinist scripture open on his tablet. He was praying loudly, almost to the point of shouting, just to get Deidara and Obito the fuck away from his dorm door. 

“Not going. Fuck off.” In the end he put his study chair underneath the doorknob, hoping that Obito’s foot would break from banging on it too many times.“Get the fuck away from my door, piece of shit heathens, or I will personally be seeing you in hell.”

There was a loud crash. Deidara had kicked the door open, embedding the door handle into the bricks of the opposite wall. 

“Speed dating at the bar starts in ten minutes and you look like a gym rat, yeah.” Hidan looked down at his gym vest and black trousers. He’d only come back from the gym an hour ago and needed to viciously pray after he found himself staring at a lady’s squat form for too long. 

Deidara walked over Hidan’s floordrobe, waving a note in his face. The prosthetic hand looked more like a claw than a mimic human limb. He squinted. 

Money. 

“I’ll give you 5000 ryo, yeah?” 

“No, hoe.” 

Obito hobbled inside and got out his wallet, and opened it and turned it upside down on Hidan’s bed. A driver's license, credit card, several thousand ryo and coins fell out and scattered in front of him. 

Hidan eyed the driver's license and credit card. “I’ll come along if I keep it all.” 

“Done,” said Obito cheerily.  _ What a fucking idiot _ , Hidan sighed, collecting the things off his bed and shoving it by his bedside lamp. 

***

The student bar was situated on the roof of the main campus. In Ame, it was always raining (except on Sundays), and there was a light sprinkle that pitter-pattered on the shelter above. Plants were growing wild up and down the shipping pallets, blue buttercups were full of water spilling onto the ground several stories below. Moss grew wild and was over the walls like some sort of rough furry wallpaper. 

The bar was playing the usual hipster music when they approached. Deidara was telling Hidan that even though he had no hands, he was still good with his tongue, which made Hidan  _ almost  _ want to rip out his tongue just to spite him.

According to Obito, people participating in speed dating would be matched with someone else. They had 5 - 10 minutes to get  another person before a timer would go off and they would switch to another partner. “Just talk about Jashin,” Deidara said, patting down his best shirt with a cold plastic claw. Deidara’s ‘best’ was an overlarge shirt owned by Sasori, and a pair of ripped skinny jeans which were the only ones he had without clay on them.

Hidan was still looking like a gym rat. He put his baseball cap on and held his rosary. 

“I don’t want to be here. I don’t know anyone and nor do I care.”  

“I know, yeah. And guess what? you’re a fucking meme.  _ They  _ know you.” 

Hidan sighed, and sat down in the corner in one of the little booths, silently praying to Jashin that this would be all over soon. 

The first woman he was paired with immediately recognized him from the internet. She excitedly asked Hidan for his autograph and spent the next seven minutes taking Snapchat videos of him. Though Hidan went to leave immediately after, Deidara had apparently ordered Obito to make sure he would stay for the entire night. He clapped a firm hand on Hidan’s shoulder every time he tried to move. 

The next woman’s religion was Will of Fire, who Hidan told to fuck off.

After that was a guy who spent ten minutes totally bewildered while Hidan explained why his haircut was a sure way to end up in hell. 

Staring at a sugar cube, he didn’t even notice when the guy left with a distressed look on his face when a large hand banged hard on the wooden table. It was covered in tattoos. “What!?” He snapped, looking up and glaring. 

Kisame’s ugly face was leaning down at him. The man who banged the table was getting into his seat, making sure the chair legs screeched loudly against the stony floor.

“This is Kakuzu, the guy I was talking about. Make sure you keep him entertained, I forced him to come in an attempt to socialise him and possibly find love for that strange heart of his.” 

Kakuzu grunted, giving Kisame a foul look.

“Kisame, we have done the same thing for Hidan,” Obito piped up, who was still acting as a security guard on Deidara’s orders. 

Hidan had already gotten his tablet back out and was on the Wikipedia page for Jashinism after he noticed it had been edited recently. The scary man banged the table again. “ _ Oi _ .” 

Hidan flicked his eyes over. The man was giant, not as tall as Kisame, and appeared to be on the university wrestling team. A rough square jaw with cut marks from cheek to cheek moved slightly when he spoke, and his hair was put in a bun. His eyes were green, but extremely bloodshot as if he’d either been smoking something strong, or he had a severe case of pink eye. 

“You are pretty fucking scary looking.” Hidan offered as a greeting. “It’s nice to meet you... but I’m gonna do some reading while we sit here for ten minutes.” His attention drifted back to his tablet.

“Thank you.” There was silence, while Hidan enjoyed the peace for around a minute. 

Then Kakuzu had to open his fucking mouth. “...Are you from the meme?” 

At that, Hidan wanted to throw his tablet in his stupid face. “No shit.” 

Kakuzu glared. “Don’t be so fucking rude.” 

“Bite me. I was going to have a prayer marathon before I got bribed to fucking come out here.” 

“How did you get bribed? Money?” All of a sudden, Kakuzu’s green eyes went from frosty to interested. Hidan vaguely remembered Kisame mentioning that this guy was the finance officer who had an extreme obsession with money, which meant he probably slept on wads of notes at night. 

_ Filthy. Disgusting -  _

“Credit cards and drivers license.” Hidan ignored Jashin’s whisperings and looked straight dead into Kakuzu’s eyes. 

_ Hot - _

Kakuzu smirked, the scars on his cheeks making his dry lips curl a bit. “Ah. Good.” 

_ Gross.  _

Rage simmered through Hidan’s veins, and threatened to overflow onto the conversation. Having been forced to talk to someone finally, and they had already mentioned the damn meme, Kakuzu was opening up a beer, and his gross eyes looked over at Hidan. Hidan’s hand shook without him moving it, and he grabbed the ice cold water and swigged it too fast, feeling the brain freeze come over him. 

All it took was a smirk and an ugly face to set him off, but this? This was different. The intense, insane feeling that accompanied his fury was unfamiliar; almost frightening, as if, as if - 

Hidan had never hated someone so much in his life.

“So, what is not a sin in Jashinism?” Kakuzu asked. Hidan looked at him suspiciously. Not many people were interested in his religion. Especially one which meant loudly praying several times a day around the university. “Speed dating?” 

“To be devoted only to God is the only requirement,” Hidan turned his tablet off and put it in his bag. He never got to talk about Lord Jashin much, because people just thought he was batshit insane. “Everything else is a sin.” 

“But it’s natural to…” Kakuzu started to say. 

“ _ Fuck  _ being natural. I have better things to do. Life is painful enough. I’m just gonna be the one who can resist the pain.” 

“I think I’m going to sin,” said Kakuzu, getting up and brushing past Hidan, skimming his fingers over his pale arm. It felt like a rush of cold electricity sprinting in his brain and whizzing in his skull. Hidan looked up, ignoring the nervousness that was eating away at him and got out his wallet. 

“I’m sick of water,” He handed over Obito’s credit card, making sure their fingers did  _ not  _ touch. “Get me a lemon and lime bitter.” 

“One tequila and lime coming up.” said Kakuzu, taking the card from him, and reading the name on it. He left to go up to the bar, going straight past Kisame and Obito who were talking amongst themselves. The bell went again and people moved; however, nobody went to the seat opposite Hidan. 

Kakuzu came back with two waters. “Your credit card doesn’t work.” 

“Did I ruin your evening? I hope I did.” Typical of Obito to give him something that didn’t fucking work. 

There was a pause. “No. You’ve made it a lot more interesting.” 

Hidan gripped his fists.  _ I  _ **_want_ ** _ to kill you.  _

“Really? Cause you’re pretty boring,” Hidan tried not to look at Kakuzu while he took a sip of water. “Fuck, you really had to get this water full of nothing but ice cubes? You know it’s cold and freezing and always fucking raining?” 

***

They went back to Kakuzu’s house later, after the speed dating had ended. Kakuzu turned out to be  _ extremely  _ interested in Hidan’s favourite topic of Jashin, which he only talked about because no one had ever exactly asked him anything about it. He supposed out of the vile malignity he felt for this man, having the opportunity to converse was a better choice than putting up with Deidara and Obito for the rest of the night. 

Kakuzu lived off campus in a modest two bedroom home. He claimed to have won the lottery as a teenager, and lived a frugal life in order to stretch the money through his entire life. Hidan assumed he only ate food from the university because his cupboards held only coffee. 

“Coffee’s a sin,” he informed Kakuzu. He even opened up the cutlery drawer to see if there was any sharp knives in there, to kill him with afterwards. To his disappointment, the cutlery drawer was actually empty. Why didn’t Kakuzu have any cutlery? Not that he cared much, but why did he have nothing in the kitchen? 

“Do I fucking care.” 

“Just sayin’.” 

Kakuzu put his satchel down on the only chair at the kitchen table. “I’m going to take a shower,” he said, looking at Hidan up and down. Hidan expected him to open his mouth and say ‘come join,’ but instead he turned away and padded down the hallway, leaving Hidan to work on his plan of attack.

But Kakuzu had pretty much no possessions, so what was he supposed to do? 

He heard the shower go on and knew he needed to move quickly. First he opened the satchel Kakuzu had put on the table, but all he found was a laptop and some sheets. He started throwing open the empty cupboards, rummaging through the drawers and feeling around for hidden spaces. It was just a coincidence that Hidan peeled the carpet off the floor in the lounge room and found what he needed - a cut out trap door in the cold dark wooden floorboards. Knowing he was short on time, he kicked the carpet out the way and ran down the ugly brown stairs into what he assumed was a cellar.

Downstairs, Hidan found a light and switched it on. A small area appeared before him, with dim lighting and an array of metal before him. A large metal table was in the middle of the room, wiped and gleaming, the slightly swinging basement light squeaking and reflecting off the silver. A drawer was next to the table. It was cold, and rain leaked into the chain-covered walls.  

Kakuzu, it seemed, was into some kinky fucking shit. 

As Hidan entered, something crunched beneath him, echoing loudly in the sex dungeon. He froze, thinking that Kakuzu had heard him from the shower.

_ Fuck him- _

But no - the water continued to roar above him, pipes groaning with effort. 

Pulse pounding, he picked up the thing he had stepped on. It was fingernail painted blue - the same color of nail polish worn by the girl went who was missing from Itachi’s class. So this was The Ame Strangler. 

Hidan did his own killings outside town and he was angry. Pretty fucking angry that this guy was  _ also  _ a killer. Like he had tried to steal his reputation of being a serial killer. Two hypocrites under the same rainy roof with the same interests. To be fair, Hidan was also a murderous cunt, so he definitely did  _ not  _ have the right to be pissed at Kakuzu for having the exact same hobby as him.  

Now Hidan knew exactly why Kakuzu had invited him back to his house. To be dissected like a fish being gutted and dumped in a pipe with no heart. To die a most painful death. 

And what a fucking coincidence that Hidan wanted to kill him, too. 

He spotted a chest of drawers in the corner and opened it quickly. He found a variety of tools, many he recognised from his university studies. He picked the No. 11 scalpel, pricking his hand to see if it was sharp enough for the job. Although the scalpel was mostly used for surgical incisions, it was enough to stop Kakuzu in his tracks while he got out his sacrificing spears to kill him. 

It was clear that Kakuzu had faked his interest in Hidan in order to trick him into coming to his house and kill him, but how was he supposed to play this game? 

Hidan didn’t know how to flirt. He had been devoted to Jashin since he was 9 years old, and, as he told Kakuzu earlier, everything besides god was a sin. He never listened to music, ate a diet of mainly meat and eggs with occasional fastings lasting weeks. His life was pretty much devoid of the human experience, and nothing slipped through the cracks - no pizza, no ramen, no fuck buddies, no speed dating, no hangovers, no art, and no close friends except his God, and, maybe, that cunt Deidara.

The shower turned off, and it jolted Hidan back to his senses. He took one more glance at the basement, turned the light off and went back up the stone steps silently, pulling himself out and putting the trap door down and tossing the rug over. Just as Hidan got up, Kakuzu appeared in a towel. He quickly hid the scalpel in the pocket of his sweatpants, wincing as it cut into his leg.

“You should have joined me.” He ran a hand through his damp hair, and glanced at the floor, where there was a slight curl in the rug over the trap door, that wasn’t there before. Hidan gripped the scalpel more tightly. 

Hidan shrugged and tried to smirk. “What’s the point of showering when we’re going to get dirty later?” He was using a pick up line he had heard Deidara once say. “Your water bill will go through the roof.” Hatred crawled into his insides, writhing like a snake and he felt a pull like no other towards the taller man in front of him. 

Kakuzu fiddled with his towel for a moment, looking as if he was going to take it off, but tied another knot in it when Hidan raised his eyebrows at him, as if becoming him to come over, which was when Kakuzu took one stride forward. Kakuzu’s mouth closed over Hidan’s, hot and wet. His tongue licked over Hidan’s teeth in a slow and gentle kiss. Hidan almost felt like panicking -  _ this is not the way of Jashin, not the way of Jashin  _ \- and felt the prickle of pain as Kakuzu’s long nails jutted into his jawbone.

Overwhelmed by the sensations bubbling up inside him, Hidan broke away from the kiss.  “Is that how it is?” His nose touched Kakuzu’s ugly one. “Sucking my face off?” 

“I’ll suck more than that off.” 

Ignoring the heat that had warmed his body and the drum of the Jashin whisperings of  _ cut the tongue cut the throat steal the voice make the noise,  _ Hidan yanked Kakuzu towards him and smashed their lips together, mentally apologising to his god for ignoring His Call. He was sinning, yes, but he was sinning for  _ Jashin,  _ luring Kakuzu closer in order to sacrifice him for his Lord. 

But as he slipped his arms around the Ame Strangler, his hand brushed the towel wrapped around his waist, undoing the knot holding it up; and when it dropped to the floor, all thoughts of faith fell with it.

It wasn’t until a couple minutes of frenzied bucking, biting, and heavy breath that Hidan dizzily remembered,  _ blood,  _ he needed blood for the ritual. Kakuzu wrapped his rough hands around his jaw and kissed him deeply. Hidan bit down hard enough to rip Kakuzu’s lip off, drawing blood. The older man grunted, but did not react other than to intensify the kiss.

Hidan slowly moved his hands down Kakuzu’s sides, feeling the slick skin from a recent shower and he gripped his hip, focusing now on the scalpel in his pocket, reaching for it with his left hand. Suddenly the griplock on Hidan’s chin slid down onto his throat, cutting off his air circulation. 

“Yoooou… cunt,” He gasped, grabbing the scalpel and jamming it upwards, aiming for the cateriod artery. In one swish, Kakuzu blocked the first stab, but was unable to stop the second swipe, which tore a hole from his chest to the stomach.

As his vision blackened, Kakuzu’s grip loosened around his throat. Hidan inhaled greedily, but as he made to free himself, Kakuzu slammed him into the wall, one hand strangling him and the other fumbling for the scalpel. Their bloody mouths reconnected, Kakuzu no longer trying to suck Hidan’s face off, but devour him whole. 

There was the heat where some blood was pouring into his shirt, but not as much as Hidan hoped. Kakuzu seemed to be pure muscle, his fingernails digging into Hidan’s neck. 

In a fit of desperation, Hidan chomped down hard and ripped a chunk of Kakuzu’s mouth off of his face. He spat it out, feeling the copper taste rush into his throat. Kakuzu snarled, swaying slightly from the blood loss, chokehold slackening. His teeth were now visible through the thick wid of meat Hidan torn from his face.

The silent scuffle continued as The Ame Strangler and The Reaper scuffled on the wooden floor, slick with red fluids. Hidan crashed down, with all 140 pounds of the six foot man pinning him upon the floor. There was a crack, and his skull cracked on the slippery surface.

Hidan could feel the life leaving him, Jashin thrumming and screaming in his ears to  _ DO THE JOB PROPERLY OR I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU  _ when Kakuzu slowly, slowly stopped moving, hand still clutching his neck. A joyful chorus rang in his mind.

_ He’s dead I’m alive He’s dead I’m alive He’s dead I’m alive -  _

Hidan’s blue lips stopped shaking as the dead man’s grip slackened. Pink eyes slowly opened to stare into green ones before everything went black. 

Not long after, the door was thrown down by armed police, who arrived to arrest Kakuzu, the only suspect in the Ame Strangler case. The cops did not speak while they stared in silence at the two corpses: Hidan laid underneath Kakuzu, arms out and legs together, dried blood gelled together their bodies as if they would never be apart. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to thatshipcat for editing :)


End file.
